This resonated with me, but not in the way you would expect. I am not a mother, yet. I hope to be one day, and hopefully that day is sooner rather than later. I am a writer. I write for my day job and I write for pleasure. I read for pleasure. I read for work. My interests and career are so intertwined. But after writing 2,000 words a day, my brain is tired. My hands and wrists, riddled with carpal tunnel syndrome, can't take much more. When I have free time, I'm always at a crossroads. Be productive. Work on your manuscript. One day you'll be a mom, and time will look differently, and the window to write for work *and* pleasure might be even smaller. But then there's the other part of my brain. The part that wants rest. To lay on my couch and watch an episode of the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. I feel guilty when I'm not productive, but I'm becoming mentally blocked because I'm so exhausted from constantly churning out content. The hustle/productivity/be-everything-all-at-once culture is... ridiculous.
Julia, I SO relate to the element of *enjoying* your work, so it's not *really* work, right? Writing is a dream job, but that doesn't mean we don't deserve or need breaks to pursue other forms of joy and rest! And I, too remember the pressure to get certain things done before entering motherhood--but it all leads to burnout if we aren't careful. It's so tough. Thank you for reading and relating!
So much to ponder here .... and I wish I could tell you it gets easier, but ... my kids are long gone, I no longer have a day job, and I still feel the need to "account for" my time in a way I know my husband doesn't. The patriarchy and productivity stuff runs deep. and maybe it could make us all feel better to know that we're not alone in the struggle!
Absolutely--the productivity pressure didn't start with motherhood, it's just that being a mom exacerbated it! We're all caught in a tangle of work and self-worth, and it's really tricky to navigate even when we know rest is good.
This really resonated with me as I’m in a similar boat. The pressure to perform is real especially when it feels like everything is “on the line” if you don’t. Having said that, I had a breakthrough “eff it” moment where I drove an hour round trip to get my all-time favorite cupcakes. 😂
Chelsey, I relate to this so, so much. I am still a teacher and when I get home it's play with the baby, make dinner, then bedtime. I feel guilty about the little time I have with him during the week that when we get home I don't check off any tasks on my to-do list. Then after bedtime it's the choice between doing something for myself, tidying up, or completing a task I've been meaning to do. The choices ARE paralyzing. And I think, "will I ever workout again?", "will I ever stop feeling a pull toward so many different things, to the point where I'm stretched beyond repair?". It's exhausting. Solidarity!
Thanks for writing this Chelsea. It resonates with me too... My oldest is three and my youngest is eight months, and whenever we have childcare or my partner is "on duty" with them, I feel that pressure, that anxiety, to justify not being in a caring role. It has made it difficult to focus, to relax, to make good decisions (or perhaps bad decisions, free decisions) about my time. Like you, I wish there was an easy solution to this! But not sure there is. Still, it is good not to feel alone in this feeling.
As a working mother, this resonates with me so much. When I was still a bedside nurse working 12+ hrs/day, I felt like I had to spend every moment with the kids in my days off to make up for those long work days. I want to say I’ve grown but in reality they have and don’t want me every minute. 😆 So now I feel more freedom to do things for me however I still have a long way to go. I’m a midwestern oldest daughter--the push to always be productive runs deep.
I’ve been feeling these struggles as well. I get to work from home half of my work week which feels simultaneously so lucky and so exhausting. I love getting to be with my 2 year old but I never feel like I’m giving 100% to him or to my work. The juggle is so tiring on my brain. I’ve been trying to give myself grace and take everything one day at a time.
Yes, I know it's impossible to really give 100% in any one area, but it's frustrating when you feel like your full effort (even if it's 25%) just isn't available at all. One day at a time is an excellent path.
I’ve been feeling the same recently! That chaos of trying to figure out what’s the best way to spend my “free” time sends me spiraling and I feel like I always fail at making use of it. I just started a book that I’m enjoying and hoping it helps me make some sense of how to stay more true to myself and what I need, beyond being Mama!
Total chaos and decision fatigue! I've been trying to plan for my limited free time the day before so I don't spend as much time waffling, but it's still so so so tricky.
This is so relateable, Chelsey. My kids are older (7 and almost 10), and I'm a SAHM (well, WAHM I suppose, but that's another story), but when they went back to school this fall I was amazed at what an energizer bunny I was for the first two weeks or so. I know myself well enough to know that it wouldn't last, and now in week 4 I am definitely back to my slower pace and allowing myself to rest. But damn, that productivity felt SO GOOD for a week or so.
And yes, when they are at school I feel like I can't "waste time" doing things I could easily do when they are home, like dishes or laundry. I need to do things like make phone calls and compose emails where I don't want to be interrupted. I've learned that a good balance for me is to call it quits on my "workday" around 2pm and give myself that last hour to read and rest before I have to parent when they walk in the door at 3:15.
I'm glad you're allowing yourself space to occasionally rest, take a walk, chat with the sitter. It's a constant balance -- one I still haven't completely gotten right even ten years in.
I feel like we get inundated with messages about the importance of rest, but productivity really is a rush--especially when you've been sort of blocked from it for so long!!! But yes, it swings the other way so fast. I love your call on an early work day and reading for awhile before switching into parent mode.
I don't know if you're into the Enneagram, but I'm a 9 who goes to 3 in health. So those two weeks were a real example of my super-achieving and then really bouncing back down to my baseline sloth. Haha.
This resonated with me, but not in the way you would expect. I am not a mother, yet. I hope to be one day, and hopefully that day is sooner rather than later. I am a writer. I write for my day job and I write for pleasure. I read for pleasure. I read for work. My interests and career are so intertwined. But after writing 2,000 words a day, my brain is tired. My hands and wrists, riddled with carpal tunnel syndrome, can't take much more. When I have free time, I'm always at a crossroads. Be productive. Work on your manuscript. One day you'll be a mom, and time will look differently, and the window to write for work *and* pleasure might be even smaller. But then there's the other part of my brain. The part that wants rest. To lay on my couch and watch an episode of the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. I feel guilty when I'm not productive, but I'm becoming mentally blocked because I'm so exhausted from constantly churning out content. The hustle/productivity/be-everything-all-at-once culture is... ridiculous.
Julia, I SO relate to the element of *enjoying* your work, so it's not *really* work, right? Writing is a dream job, but that doesn't mean we don't deserve or need breaks to pursue other forms of joy and rest! And I, too remember the pressure to get certain things done before entering motherhood--but it all leads to burnout if we aren't careful. It's so tough. Thank you for reading and relating!
So much to ponder here .... and I wish I could tell you it gets easier, but ... my kids are long gone, I no longer have a day job, and I still feel the need to "account for" my time in a way I know my husband doesn't. The patriarchy and productivity stuff runs deep. and maybe it could make us all feel better to know that we're not alone in the struggle!
Absolutely--the productivity pressure didn't start with motherhood, it's just that being a mom exacerbated it! We're all caught in a tangle of work and self-worth, and it's really tricky to navigate even when we know rest is good.
This really resonated with me as I’m in a similar boat. The pressure to perform is real especially when it feels like everything is “on the line” if you don’t. Having said that, I had a breakthrough “eff it” moment where I drove an hour round trip to get my all-time favorite cupcakes. 😂
Good for you!!!! A well-deserved cupcake.
Chelsey, I relate to this so, so much. I am still a teacher and when I get home it's play with the baby, make dinner, then bedtime. I feel guilty about the little time I have with him during the week that when we get home I don't check off any tasks on my to-do list. Then after bedtime it's the choice between doing something for myself, tidying up, or completing a task I've been meaning to do. The choices ARE paralyzing. And I think, "will I ever workout again?", "will I ever stop feeling a pull toward so many different things, to the point where I'm stretched beyond repair?". It's exhausting. Solidarity!
So, so exhausting. We will work out again, and feel less stretched as they grow. But it doesn't make it easier in the meantime!
Thanks for writing this Chelsea. It resonates with me too... My oldest is three and my youngest is eight months, and whenever we have childcare or my partner is "on duty" with them, I feel that pressure, that anxiety, to justify not being in a caring role. It has made it difficult to focus, to relax, to make good decisions (or perhaps bad decisions, free decisions) about my time. Like you, I wish there was an easy solution to this! But not sure there is. Still, it is good not to feel alone in this feeling.
If my comments and messages are any indication, we are definitely not alone in this feeling! Sending solidarity.
As a working mother, this resonates with me so much. When I was still a bedside nurse working 12+ hrs/day, I felt like I had to spend every moment with the kids in my days off to make up for those long work days. I want to say I’ve grown but in reality they have and don’t want me every minute. 😆 So now I feel more freedom to do things for me however I still have a long way to go. I’m a midwestern oldest daughter--the push to always be productive runs deep.
Really feeling you on the oldest Midwest daughter thing!! Whew.
I’ve been feeling these struggles as well. I get to work from home half of my work week which feels simultaneously so lucky and so exhausting. I love getting to be with my 2 year old but I never feel like I’m giving 100% to him or to my work. The juggle is so tiring on my brain. I’ve been trying to give myself grace and take everything one day at a time.
Yes, I know it's impossible to really give 100% in any one area, but it's frustrating when you feel like your full effort (even if it's 25%) just isn't available at all. One day at a time is an excellent path.
I’ve been feeling the same recently! That chaos of trying to figure out what’s the best way to spend my “free” time sends me spiraling and I feel like I always fail at making use of it. I just started a book that I’m enjoying and hoping it helps me make some sense of how to stay more true to myself and what I need, beyond being Mama!
Total chaos and decision fatigue! I've been trying to plan for my limited free time the day before so I don't spend as much time waffling, but it's still so so so tricky.
This is so relateable, Chelsey. My kids are older (7 and almost 10), and I'm a SAHM (well, WAHM I suppose, but that's another story), but when they went back to school this fall I was amazed at what an energizer bunny I was for the first two weeks or so. I know myself well enough to know that it wouldn't last, and now in week 4 I am definitely back to my slower pace and allowing myself to rest. But damn, that productivity felt SO GOOD for a week or so.
And yes, when they are at school I feel like I can't "waste time" doing things I could easily do when they are home, like dishes or laundry. I need to do things like make phone calls and compose emails where I don't want to be interrupted. I've learned that a good balance for me is to call it quits on my "workday" around 2pm and give myself that last hour to read and rest before I have to parent when they walk in the door at 3:15.
I'm glad you're allowing yourself space to occasionally rest, take a walk, chat with the sitter. It's a constant balance -- one I still haven't completely gotten right even ten years in.
I feel like we get inundated with messages about the importance of rest, but productivity really is a rush--especially when you've been sort of blocked from it for so long!!! But yes, it swings the other way so fast. I love your call on an early work day and reading for awhile before switching into parent mode.
I don't know if you're into the Enneagram, but I'm a 9 who goes to 3 in health. So those two weeks were a real example of my super-achieving and then really bouncing back down to my baseline sloth. Haha.
YEP 😆